


How to Try Not to Fuck Shit Up

by kayethespade



Series: Veronica Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Smut, Some makeouts in ch. 10, Unplanned Pregnancy, bunch of other shit, gratuitous cuss words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-17 13:44:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9327344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayethespade/pseuds/kayethespade
Summary: This is what happens when you have sex before your last mission without knowing if your boyfriend is temporarily sterilized, Shepard. This is what happens.





	1. Josephine

It was a couple weeks after the last battle with Saren. Shepard had just run out of a meeting with crew. Said it was something urgent. Half an hour later, Kaidan knew something was up. 

Tentatively, he made his way into Shepard’s cabin. 

“Veronica? Are you in here?” he asked. A short, sharp sob came from the bathroom. There Shepard sat. On the floor with her eyes buried in her knees. “What happened? Are you okay?” 

“I was so careful. I took the injection. He was probably temporarily sterilized. Shit, I didn’t check. It was good, but is it worth this? Possibly ending your career? No, I can’t quit over this,” she muttered to herself. 

Kaidan knelt by her. He softly placed his hand on hers. “Shepard. Please. What happened?” 

“I’m pregnant, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered. She leaned into him with a broken atmosphere around her. He instinctively hugged her, petting her hair. 

“I’ll stay with you. No matter what you want to do, Shepard. I’ll stay with you,” Kaidan murmured. 

“I think I want to keep them. I mean, I know I’ll get maternity leave, but I don’t know about you. And what are we going to do after they’re born? I have to go back to work. There’s so much at stake,” she said. 

“I can ask if my parents can take care of them. They live on the Citadel most of the time now,” he suggested. 

“Okay, that should work out. But what do I tell the crew? I can’t very easily take a vacation without them knowing,” Shepard asked. 

“If you want to tell them, I’ll support you. If not, we can just tell them that we’re getting married, and we’re taking off for our honeymoon.” The statement seemed to shock him, even as he said it. Shepard leaned back a little. 

“Is this your way of proposing to me, Alenko?” she chuckled. 

“I guess it is, Veronica,” Kaidan answered with a small smile. 

“Well, you’re going to have to do a little better than that,” Shepard whispered. 

“Take as long as you need, ma’am.” 

“I think I’ll tell them in the interest of keeping them in the loop. Keeps them loyal,” she sighed. 

“As bright as ever, Commander,” he teased. 

“Oh hush, you,” Shepard grumbled. She stood up with a sigh but became dizzy. Kaidan was up and at her side in a flash to steady her. “I’m fine, Kaiden, but thank you.” 

"Do you want to tell them now or later?" Kaidan asked. 

"Now is fine. Just stand next to me so it doesn't feel so awkward. I'm not asking for sappy boyfriend bullshit. Just stand there, okay?" she said as they made their way back out to the briefing room. Everyone was still there, oddly enough. 

"I have a tendency to keep my private life private, but I feel as though this is something the rest of you should be aware of just in case," she began. Kaidan took her hand subtly. "I'm pregnant." 

The silence was no less awkward, but squeezing Kaidan's hand as hard as she could made her feel better. The same couldn't be said for Kaidan. 

"Shepard, honey. Do you think you can let go a bit?" he wheezed. 

"What? Oh! Sorry," Shepard realized and loosened her death grip. 

"Well...better early than never, I suppose," Liara said. 

"The saying goes 'better late than never', Liara, but I appreciate the sympathy," Shepard laughed. 

"Oh spirits, she's smiling. You guys are serious," Garrus said. 

"Wow. I feel so loved and appreciated," she answered with a flat tone. 

"You are not exactly the most nurturing, Shepard," Tali teased. 

"That is...probably true. Guess I'll have to practice," Shepard sighed. 

“Oh wow please don’t. It doesn’t suit you,” Garrus pleaded. 

"Fight me, Garrus. I can still win," she grumbled. 

"I can't fight you, Shepard. You're....you know." 

Shepard paused. "Well, fuck it. I'm going to keep fighting for a few more months." 

"Shepard, no. You don't need to do that," Kaidan said. 

"Yes, I do. Until we convince everyone that the Reapers are a threat, I will not stop. I will do everything I have to until they go back into whatever hell-hole they crawled out of," she vowed. 

The words echoed for a moment. 

"We're right there with you, Shepard," Wrex promised. 

~~~~~~~

The moment Shepard woke up again. She instantly thought of her daughter. Even as she fought her way through waves of droids, she couldn't stop thinking about where Kaidan was. Their kid. The rest of the crew. The next few hours seemed to fly by in a blur. She didn't care who these people were, though the anti-alien sentiment was a little less than ideal. She didn't care if these people thought she was the "real" Shepard or not. She felt real, and that was good enough to tell her where her daughter was. 

Shepard stormed into the meeting with the Illusive Man. Him concealing himself failed to surprise her. Before he could do anything more than greet her, she'd already cut him off. 

"You're going to tell me where Josephine is right now." 

"I want to work with you, Shepard-"

"Tell me that my child and my husband are okay, and I'll consider it," she shot back. 

"Your daughter is safe, Commander. She's still with Lieutenant Alenko's parents. Alenko is still with the Alliance, and for now, his station is classified," the Illusive Man relayed. 

"How classified?" Shepard asked. 

"Hah. I like the way you think already. Regardless, none of our technicians were able to hack the Alliance database. Besides, that would be an act of cyber warfare, and I'm at least moderately aware of your loyalty towards them," he said. 

"I was going to ask. What do you want me for? What did you resurrect me for?" she pressed on. 

He paused for a moment at her upfront nature. "There have been drastic raids in human colonies." 

"The Reapers?" 

"We don't know what it is, Shepard, but I need you to find out. I've assembled a team for you. All you need do is pick them up," he answered. 

"Wait. What about my old squad? You weren't able to nail down Kaidan, but what about the others?" she pondered. 

"Vakarian dropped off the grid a few months after your death. Liara is currently stationed on Illium. Wrex hasn't left Tuchanka in at least a year. Tali Z'orah went back to the Flotilla. They've moved on, Shepard," he listed off. 

"Alright. I'll work with you." Shepard ended the call and power-walked out of the room. She nearly barreled over Joker when the door opened. 

"Woah! Commander. Didn't know you were that happy to see me," he teased. 

She helped him keep steady. "Sorry. The Illusive Man didn't mention your were here. It's so good to see you again." 

"The same to you, Shepard." Joker turned serious. "Look...I'm sorry that you had to go off and die because of me." 

"No man left behind, my ass," she joked. He laughed for a moment or two. "I'm just glad that my crew and Kaidan and my daughter are okay. I came back, didn't I?" 

"Only you could come back from the dead and make it sound like it was no big deal. Come on. You've gotta check out your new ship!" Joker lead her over to the viewing platform. The ship was magnificent to say the least. 

"Wow, I feel like a pet project," she muttered. 

"Now all she needs is a name," he said.


	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard meets up with her in-laws and daughter, and later her husband. ...Separately. Oh boy.

Shepard stood in front of the door to Kaidan’s parents’ apartment. She’d left her team behind for this one. Felt a little less clinical that way. She’d met them before, and the reception was more than she could have hoped for. Kaidan’s mother, Natalia, helped Shepard through her pregnancy and her postpartum depression and all the ups and downs of being a mother before she had to go back to service. She’d told them that she was coming to visit, that she was still alive, but they hadn’t replied. Maybe they didn’t believe her. 

She straightened her hair one last time before knocking on the door. Shepard tried to look more confident than she felt, but she couldn’t imagine the grief that her death had put them through. 

“Who is it?” Natalia asked. 

“It’s me, Mrs. Alenko,” Shepard said. 

“I’ve told you a thousand times you can call me-…Veronica. Is that really you?” She was on the brink of tears. 

“Yes, ma’am. It’s me,” she replied. 

Natalia checked through the peephole before throwing the door open and bringing Shepard into a tight hug. She smiled down at the short and curvy woman before her. 

“There’s really no easy way to say ‘I’m sorry for dying and coming back to life without contacting you straight away’, so…may I come in?” Shepard suggested. Natalia laughed and led her in. 

“Honey! Who was that at the door?” Jeffrey Alenko called from the kitchen. 

“It’s Shepard, dear!” Natalia answered. 

“Oh, Commander Shepard…Wait! Veronica? Weren’t you dead?” he asked. 

“It was just a flesh wound,” Veronica joked. Natalia swatted her arm before bringing her in to sit. 

“A bit more than that, I’d say,” he laughed. Everything about Jeffrey was big and booming. Kaidan had warned her before meeting them that they could be a bit…much, but giving how alone she’d been in her childhood, Shepard couldn’t help but appreciate all of the warmth and love they’d given her. 

“Have you been able to find Kaidan yet?” Natalia asked. 

“Not yet. His position is, sadly, classified,” she sighed. 

“That’s standard. We haven’t heard from him in six months, but I’ve figured out it has something to do with those attacks on human colonies,” Jeffrey said. 

“I’d expect nothing less from ex-Alliance, sir,” Shepard teased. 

“Okay, Veronica. You’re edging on Kaidan’s level of polite. Would you mind telling us why you’re really here?” the father snapped, suddenly serious. 

Shepard laughed nervously, trying to keep herself together. “I want to see Josephine.” Natalia nodded as though she finally understood everything about Shepard’s demeanor. “I need to meet her just once because this mission I’m on is dangerous, and I don’t know if I’m coming back alive.” 

“I’ll go get her, dear, but just know that whatever happens, we’ll take care of her. We set up an education account with your funds, but if you need it-“ 

“No, ma’am. I have all the resources I need,” she replied with a sad smile. 

Natalia came back with the three year-old toddling along by her side. She’d gotten her dad’s curly brown hair, but those green, though more hazel, eyes were hers. The little freckles splayed across her chubby cheeks were hers. Natalia knelt down beside her and whispered in her ear. “The lady on the couch is your mommy, Josie!” 

“Mama!” the small child marveled. She ran over to Shepard and crawled up into her lap. She hugged Shepard tightly. Tears ran down the commander’s cheeks. 

“I missed you so much, but mama had to go back to work,” Shepard explained. 

“I hear you get to help people,” Josephine said. 

Shepard paused for a moment. She’d been so violent and ruthless lately. Everything she’d been through had made her cold and cynical. As though she had to kill everyone who hurt people with no second chances. Josephine couldn’t see that. She didn’t see that. For her, everyone made mistakes and everyone could learn. Shepard couldn’t be who she was before. Not with a child looking up to her and learning how to act from her example. 

“Yes, Josephine. I help a lot of people,” Shepard vowed. 

“That…is so good!” she said, pausing to figure out her sentence. 

She’d have to go back to work after a few hours, but she would try to do better in any way she could. She had to. 

~~~~~~~

Shepard hurt like hell. Her arms were tired. She'd lost nearly an entire colony to the Collectors. All she wanted to do was go back to the ship and regroup. She was about to call the Normandy in when Shepard heard Kaidan. 

The old man cast them off as corrupt Alliance types, but she was hardly listening. He was there and alive. 

Shepard ran towards him, nearly tackling him over. She felt tears sliding down her cheeks, but she didn't care. 

"I'm sorry. I just..." she said. He pet her head. 

"It's okay, Shepard. I...I missed you too." There was something tight in his voice. 

She calmed herself down and stepped back, still holding his hand. "You sound angry. What's wrong?" 

"I...Shepard, you were alive and you didn't contact me." 

"If you hadn't noticed, your position was classified, and I was a bit busy trying to stop these attacks on human colonies," Shepard explained. 

"So the reports were true. You're with Cerberus," Kaidan growled. He pulled his hand away. Slowly. Enough for the absence to sink in. 

"Reports?" Miranda started, but Shepard motioned for her to stop and for Kaidan to continue. 

"There were some reports that you were alive and working with Cerberus. The Alliance thought that Cerberus might be behind the attacks." 

"Let me ask you something: Did that ship look like a Cerberus ship? Did those...mosquito creatures look like something that could be engineered?" she asked. 

Kaidan laughed for a moment. "No, Shepard. The only other time I've seen a ship like that is the attack on the Normandy." 

"Exactly!" 

"Shepard...they could be manipulating you-" 

"I'm gonna stop you right there because I know you're about to go into this whole thing about how they've changed me in some way. Valid concerns, if I'm honest. I’d personally be freaked out if you died and came back to life two years later because of an organization that I hate for those sick, genetically modified mutants. Here’s the thing. I still hate those awful things they did, and I’m making sure whoever’s still involved with those projects are being fired, and mostly imprisoned,” Shepard said. 

“She is. The commander works with…ruthless efficiency,” Miranda grumbled. 

“I’m making sure that working conditions in the other parts of Cerberus are improved. I’m keeping everything under my control, Kaidan. I don’t work any other way when I don’t know whom I’m working for,” she continued. 

Kaidan’s face showed an obvious surprise. Everything she was doing went beyond what was necessary, and all of it was for the good of the people. Yes, Shepard had changed, but he could see that it was a good change of her own volition. 

“Much to the Illusive Man’s chagrin.” 

“You’re doing good work on your own, Shepard, but if this makes you think I’m going to just desert the Alliance to work for Cerberus, then you’re wrong,” he growled, beginning to back away. 

“Kaiden, please. You’re the only one I think I can trust anymore,” Shepard pleaded. She started reaching forwards for him. He paused. 

“What about Josephine, Shepard? What happens to her if we die-“

“I visited your parents, Kaidan. I told them how dangerous my mission is, and they’re still willing to keep her if anything happens to us. They’d do the same thing if we died while I was in the Alliance. Which…I plan on returning if I make it out of this alive. That’s a reality that we both had to accept. Also you really need to call them or something. When I saw them, they told me that they hadn’t heard from you in six months!” she teased. Kaidan slipped his hands into hers. 

“I love you, Veronica,” he said. 

“And?” Shepard persisted. 

“I’ll…I’ll come back with you. On Alliance business. You’re investigating the recent attacks, so I’m making use of your Spectre resources,” Kaidan reasoned out. 

“Joker! Bring the Normandy around,” she ordered into her radio. 

“I haven’t heard you this happy since you found out the SR2 has an actual chef. What did you find?” Joker sighed. 

“Kaidan’s coming back with us,” Shepard answered. 

“I’ll be there right away, ma’am.”


	3. Gratuitous SMUT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's smut with emotions. Because I can't write anything romantic without there being some form of fluff in there.

Shepard looked up from her data pad as Kaidan walked in. He looked a little shocked by the door being unlocked for him, but she caught a small smile on his lips before he turned serious again. She stood up and walked towards him. He embraced her first. 

"Still a softy, huh?" she laughed. 

Kaidan tugged back after a few moments. 

"Okay. I don't want to assume anything because it's been two years. I don't want to put you under any pressure if you've...found someone else-" Shepard popped up onto her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "So....should I take that to mean that you still love me?" 

"Never stopped," she said. 

He stammered. “I called my parents. Josephine's doing good with my folks." 

"Way to kill the mood. I mean! You should've heard me hard-grinding the Illusive Man in my first meeting with him for answers about you and her. Just-" Kaidan drew her in again and kissed Veronica deeply. 

She stumbled back to her bed and pulled him in by his shirtfront. "What was that you were saying about the mood?" he mumbled. 

"Shut up and kiss me," Shepard ordered. Her legs wrapped around so that her heels dug into his back. Kaidan brought his hands up under her shoulders as he kissed her again and again. She ran her hands into his hair, tugging lightly. Anything to bring him closer. Until she remembered. "Mm. You got sterilized, right?" 

"Yes. Temporary but still in effect. You?" he muttered against her neck. 

"Got a new injection a couple weeks ago. Should be good to go, but I've got other means if we need it," she answered. 

"Were you counting on finding me again?" Kaidan asked. His hands trailed under her loose t-shirt. 

"The thought may have crossed my mind." 

He kissed down her neck and collarbone with a self-satisfied smile. She grumbled and threw her head to the side. "What was that you said? I didn't quite catch it." 

Shepard leaned up so that Kaidan could undo her bra. "I said you're a smarmy piece of shit," she sighed as she slipped out of her top. Kaidan paused briefly to fold her clothes. "Oh my god. You still do that?" 

"I don't know what you expect from me, but clothes are expensive, Shepard. Besides, it's only polite," he said. 

"You could be a lot more polite by getting down to it already, Alenko," she shot back. Shepard propped herself up on her elbows. He was in the process of taking his shirt off, and she decided to take a moment to enjoy the view. Still toned as hell. 

"Somebody's impatient," Kaidan teased. He toyed with the waistbands of her sweats and underwear. 

"I haven't had sex in two years and change," she protested. 

"You were...unconscious for most of that," he said. 

"I don't see your point," Shepard replied. Kaidan shrugged and helped her get far less dressed. Generally, razor allowances were difficult to come by, so her legs were fuzzy, and her bush was a bit more grown than usual. “You have absolutely no room to judge. I see your face right now, and-“ He reached up to take her hand and smooched along her knuckles. 

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but now that you mention it,” Kaidan sighed. 

“You’re doing a little too much talking for my taste, buddy,” Shepard complained. 

“Sorry, it’s just…I can still hardly believe that you’re right here in front of me again.” There was something incredibly sad in his voice. “I missed you, Veronica.” 

She sat up on the edge of her bed, cupping his cheek in her hand. “I missed you too. I don’t plan on ever leaving you again.” 

Kaidan spread Shepard’s legs slightly and kissed up her thigh. She let out a content sigh, as if everything had been lifted and all that mattered was the feel of his tongue tracing towards her center. He kissed her clit and ran his tongue between her lips. Shepard bit her own lip, but the groan caught Kaidan’s attention enough for him to look up at her. At some point, she’d reached up and taken her hair out of its customary bun, waves spilling a little past her shoulders. Kaidan couldn’t help but pause and stare at her. 

“Aw come on! Please don’t stop,” she said. 

“Well I wouldn’t want to make you beg, Veronica,” he muttered, going back to work. 

She laid back down. Kaidan never really minded how long it took for her to get worked up, content to lay between her legs until she felt ready for anything else. Even if she didn’t, just knowing that Shepard let him do this for her amazed him. So as she approached orgasm, Kaidan held her hand. She squeezed as her back arched a little, going silent for a few moments before coming back down. 

Kaidan crawled onto the bed next to her. She rolled over onto her side to face him. “God I needed that.” 

“Happy to oblige,” he said. Shepard reached over to her bedside table for her glass of water. “You up for another round, or just cuddles, or comfort food and a movie?” 

“Another round sounds nice,” she replied, setting her water back down. 

“You don’t feel like you have to return the favor, right?” 

“No, Kaidan. I’m still good. Though, it has occurred to me that my hymen may be back in its original place after the…stuff that happened, so…gentle, please,” Shepard suggested. 

He chuckled a little. “I can do gentle, V. Whatever you need.” 

Shepard scooted back over to him, trying to be smooth and sexy but failing miserably. Kaidan grinned at her attempting to be so serious. She shouldn’t have had to be that. Not there, at least. Anywhere else, she was the fearless, unyielding commander that everyone expected, no, needed her to be. There, Shepard could be vulnerably Veronica. 

Kaidan slid his pants and briefs down. Shepard almost expected human dicks to stop looking weird when she came back to life, but no. Still weird and mushy. Though…considerably less mushy at the present moment. 

“Still don’t get how I’m sexy, like, at all, but okay,” she joked. She pressed him down onto the mattress and straddled his waist. 

“V, please. You’re majestic and confident and inspiring to everyone,” Kaidan answered. 

“That is the type of dirty talk I can appreciate,” Shepard giggled. She positioned herself onto the tip and slowly sank down with a small hitch in her breath. She paused there and took a deep breath. 

“I’m right here, Veronica,” he said. He placed his hands on her hips. She clung onto his shoulders and kissed him with a smile. Shepard ground her hips onto him, keeping the rhythm slow and steady. Kaidan moaned quietly into her mouth, his eyes closing in bliss. He began to thrust up into her heat with a desperate sort of whine. Shepard pulled him out as she felt him tense beneath her, reaching behind to get him off the rest of the way. He groaned and pulled at the sheets before going limp.

Shepard gave herself another orgasm then grabbed a couple of towels from her bedside table. She helped Kaidan clean up and tucked himself back in. She grabbed her night clothes and another set of underwear and put both on before climbing into bed with Kaidan. He wrapped his arms around her, still warm and fuzzy from the afterglow. She nuzzled into his chest and neck comfortably. 

"Do you mind if I stay?" he asked. 

"Ha. What do you think?" Shepard grumbled. 

"Fair enough. Cuddles it is."


	4. Insecurity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings, feelings, and more feelings. I'm sorry in advance for any possible harm caused to your feelings.

"Shepard, can I talk to you about something?" Kaidan began. 

"Absolutely! What is it?" Shepard said. 

"Why is it that you never seem to bring me on any missions?" he asked. 

Shepard had been avoiding this conversation. She didn't want to see Kaidan hurt under her watch. Ever. That sentiment probably meant less from a woman who'd already died, but she didn't care. She could get the job done whether or not he came along. 

"The...um...The most recent missions have lended more to the skills of other crew members," she replied. 

"Yes, but even for the missions where you go in mostly blind, you still don't bring me. Shepard, you don't have any biotic abilities, yet you always seem to bring biotics with you who aren't-" 

"What? Aren't as proficient as you? In case you haven't noticed, the other biotics on this ship are perfectly capable," Shepard interupted. 

"Then what was the point of bringing me along, Veronica? Did you want to be able to control me?" he asked. 

"Kaidan, no! I-" 

"Then what, Shepard. What?" he roared. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her hands clenched into fists. Very quietly, and with anger tightly restrained, she spoke. "I've been trying to protect you." 

"Shepard..." All the fight went out of him. 

"I want our daughter to have a father. You could be killed out there with the Alliance just as surely as you could here. If you're here, you're close. And if you're close, maybe you're safe," she explained, tears rolling down her cheeks angrily. 

"I want to protect you too, Veronica. Honey, I can't do that if I'm cooped up in the ship," he said. Kaidan reached out and took her hands. They gradually relaxed out of their tight grip. "I want our daughter to have a mother. Especially since she wants to be as strong as you." 

"I'll..I'll take you on the next few missions if space allows," Shepard promised. 

"We'll protect each other, V.”

“Until the end,” she said, drawing him in for a quick kiss. 

~~~~~~~

Kaidan laid with Shepard the first night after the suicide mission. Everyone survived, funnily enough. They’d destroyed the base together. And now they’d deal with the aftermath together. 

“I’m a criminal by Alliance standards, Kaidan. I blew up a mass relay with no survivors. There was nothing I could do,” she wheezed. 

“What do you want to do?” he asked. 

“I said I’d go back to them, so I will. I’ll face the noise, but you have to stay on the Citadel and get back to the Alliance some other way,” Shepard said. 

“I’m not leaving you again,” Kaidan protested. 

“I don’t want any of my crew going down with me if I turn myself in. That includes you, honey,” she replied. Her hand came up to brush his hair out of his eyes. “Besides, if I go along peacefully, then my sentence will probably be lighter. Not to mention my connections with Anderson. Maybe grounded. Maybe stripped of my rank, but you’ll be safe. All of this is worth it if you and Josephine are safe.” 

Kaidan pulled her close. He knew she was right. She always seemed to be right about these things. He didn’t want to her go, but he knew that she had to. It would set the example for Josephine that sometimes the right thing is the hard thing. 

“She’s going to be four in a few months,” he said. 

“I’ll try to send something if they’ll let. At least a few credits if possible. Get her something nice,” Shepard pleaded. 

“I’m going to miss you.” 

“It won’t be for long this time. I promise,” she giggled. He kissed her cheek and pulled back to look into her eyes. 

“Alright. I trust you, Veronica,” Kaidan replied. 

"I just don't know if this will pan out, Kaidan, so...I wanted to ask you something," Shepard began. 

"Anything, V. Anything you need," he assured. 

"Then...will you marry me?" she asked. 

...

"What?" 

Shepard reached over to her bedside table and grabbed a tiny box from behind a photo of them together. He gasped. "Marry me on the Presidium before I go. Please?" 

She opened the box to reveal a navy band with three small diamonds set into the metalwork and a twisting design engraved. 

"Of course I'll marry you, Shepard. I love you," he said, tears coming to his eyes. She slipped the ring onto his finger and leaned over to kiss him. Neither of them wanted to let go.


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard has to go the day after her wedding, and things get difficult.

Shepard rolled over to face him. He was still sleeping for the time being. For a moment, she considered grabbing her stuff and leaving. They’d said more than enough goodbyes last night, not that she was complaining. He looked so calm. He was always so worried about everything. She’d have to go and leave him again. Shepard didn’t want that, but it was the way it had to be. She began to get up and get dressed, but then she saw him quickly close his eyes. She laughed to herself and walked over to his side. She leaned over and kissed his nose. He brought his head up to smooch her cheek. 

“G’morning, babe,” Kaidan grumbled. 

“I’ve got to go soon, Kaidan,” Shepard said. He ran a hand down her arm with a small pout. 

“No…stay for breakfast at least, V,” he pleaded. 

“Well if you insist. But you have to make it,” she sighed. 

“Deal,” he answered, popping up. Shepard had absolutely no clue how he was able to get out of bed so fast. Even with N7 training, she still needed about a minute to collect herself. 

Regardless, Kaidan went to work on eggs and bacon. She always argued that “Canadian bacon” was just ham, but he was resolute. Maybe when Josephine got old enough, she could decide and put an end to the mini-feud.

It was moments like these that helped Shepard feel a bit more normal, even though she would leave all of this behind to face the consequences within a few hours. Maybe Anderson would be proud of her for putting the need for justice over a need to stay with her family. 

She picked her way through her food with Kaidan beside her at the bar. Shepard kept stealing glances at him, trying to imprint him in her mind. It didn’t matter how many pictures she took. Nothing compared to the real thing right in front of her. He leaned over to steal kisses a few times, which she accepted with small smiles. It didn’t feel like there needed to be anything said. Kaidan wanted to enjoy her company for as long as possible. 

Alas, the time for her to leave came. Josephine was still asleep, so Shepard snuck in and kissed her forehead before heading for the door. Kaidan stopped her one more time. Just to hold her one last time before she went to trial and who knows what happened. 

“I’ll see you…soon,” Shepard promised. He kissed her cheek. 

“I love you,” Kaidan said. 

“I love you too, Kaidan,” she answered. Shepard tried to pull away, but found herself coming back. She took a deep breath and finally extracted herself from Kaidan’s arms. Shepard walked out the door and locked it behind her. 

She wanted to take the walk to the docking bay alone. A few people recognized her and saluted. She responded in kind, barely cognizant of the pause and gesture. Shepard jogged up to the bridge, expecting it to be empty. She’d have to surrender the ship to the Alliance. The ship with an unshackled AI on board. Sure. Still, at least the journey wouldn’t be alone. She could still fly the ship, even with the minimal training she’d had in N7. 

The bridge was not empty. 

“Joker. What are you doing here?” she grumbled. 

“Somebody had to oversee the pre-flight checks,” he answered, as though there was nothing strange about this. 

“I believe that I told everyone that I would be making this trip with only EDI so that the rest of you aren’t incriminated,” Shepard sighed. 

“Oh, you did!” Joker said. 

“I have attempted to dissuade him, Commander, but he is intent on staying,” EDI reported. 

“I can see that. Joker, you’re either going to be wheeled off this ship or I will throw you off,” she muttered. 

“Too bad, Shepard. I’m supposed to take control of this ship and steer it back to Earth at the order of the Alliance. Anderson’s orders. I told him that I have you in willing custody, so I get to come along too,” he explained. 

She paused to laugh before taking the copilot’s seat beside him. “Oh no! I have been foiled by the likes of a creaky-boned pilot! However will I face my nefarious constituents?” 

“Please stop. You’re turning into a comic book villain,” Joker teased. 

“Oh no, that was the plan, Joker. Trying to lighten this up a little,” she said. 

“Huh. You do have a funny bone somewhere in there.” 

“Just barely,” Shepard chuckled. 

“We’re good to go when you’re ready, Commander,” he said. 

“Take us home, Joker.”


	6. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no eye of the hurricane in the Reaper War. There is only death and near misses.

Shepard had all the time in the world. It would be about forty-five minutes to the Citadel, maybe thirty if Joker stepped on it. All the events of the last few hours crashed into her all at once.

Seeing Kaidan again after a year. Josie and his parents were okay. The attacks on Earth. Seeing her Mindoir on one of those monitors. Fleeing Earth. Mars Archives. The Illusive Man stealing some of the data. Kaidan.

Shepard looked over at his body again. No. He was still there. He had to be. She couldn't imagine living without him. Not again. Never again. She'd spoken to Admiral Hackett and come immediately back to the med bay. Nobody would need her for a while, hopefully.

What would Josie think of her if she was the reason she lost her father? Would his parents ever forgive her? Shepard needed her child to have a better life than she'd had. He had to live. For everyone.

Shepard didn't register the med bay doors opening and closing again until Liara's feet came into her line of vision.

"Shepard..." She still wasn't very good at comforting people.

"It's all my fault," Shepard said to herself. Tears slipped out of her eyes in a flood.

"Shepard, you're not the one who hurt him," Liara assured.

"Yes, but I could have gotten around the shuttle quicker. I could have checked to see if the synthetic was dead. I could and would have gotten in front of you both-"

"Then it would be you lying there and him worrying himself sick. How is that any better?" she reasoned.

Shepard nodded after a moment. "I kept him off a lot of missions in our fight against the Collectors. Trying to protect him. He wanted me to let him come so he could protect me too. I guess that in some way, he accomplished that mission," she said.

"We'll help him, Shepard," Liara comforted, patting the commander's shoulder.

"I...I have a lot of work to do," Shepard muttered to herself.

"It can wait. Rest, Veronica," she ordered.

Shepard followed her out of the med bay. Watching over Kaidan as though he would magically wake up wasn't going to help her. She needed to occupy herself. Maybe think about what she was going to say to the Council or, worse, to Josephine.

~~~~~~~

The meeting with the Council was as uneventful and unhelpful and gut-wrenchingly infuriating as usual. Shepard wished she had Kaidan to talk her through this, but he was…indisposed. She quickened her steps towards Huerta Memorial, getting lost a few times on the way there. Grounded for a year on Earth and they change everything.

“Dr. Chakwas?” Shepard asked when she saw familiar silver hair.

“It’s good to see you again, Commander. Though I wish it were under more auspicious circumstances,” the doctor said.

“All’s fair in love and war, and the course of love never did run smooth,” she grumbled.

“I see that you’re here about the Lieutenant, correct?” Chakwas confirmed.

“Had to see to some business with the Council, but I wanted to come visit him as soon as possible,” Shepard answered.

“He’s still under, but according to Dr. Michelle, his vital signs are strong and they've reduced the swelling in his head,” she said.

“Oh thank god. Any chance of full recovery?”

“It’s optimistic, but highly possible, Shepard. If you’d like to peek in on him, he’s down that hall, first door on the left,” Chakwas replied.

“Thank you. By the way, what are you doing now?”

“My current assignment is in the Alliance R&D labs. Why? Do you need both of your favorite doctors back?” she teased.

“You know me best, doc. You’re welcome aboard when you’re ready,” Shepard sighed. She turned on her heel and headed off towards Kaidan’s room.

Shepard took a deep breath as she entered. As much as she wanted to believe that his condition wasn’t her fault, with the way he looked in that moment, tears came to her eyes. She should have been used to seeing soldiers hurt. She’d done worse to others in her career. But…her husband. She walked to the side of his bed, brushing some of his hair out of his face. Normally, it was sleeked or spiked because of the static electricity from his biotic energy, but now it hung limp around his cheeks. It didn’t look like him.

"I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I wanted to save you. Just this once."

She took a deep breath, covering her eyes with her hands.

"It's...hard seeing you like this. But you have to fight, Kaidan. Seeing you again, it reminded me of how much I loved working with you. The Alliance needs you. I need you."

Shepard straightened up as a doctor came in behind her. "Let me know if you need anything," she said, turning back to Kaidan. "Come on, honey. Get better soon."

Shepard pressed a kiss to his forehead and left as quickly as she'd come.


	7. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are small moments of respite in between the swirling chaos.

Shepard stood at the door to his parents' apartment, trying to get up the courage to knock. It was different this time. This time she'd have to go in there and tell his parents that Kaidan was hurt because of her. Tell her daughter that she may not see her dad again. No. She couldn't do that. She was too young. Josephine couldn't possibly understand that. What was she going to do?

"Are you just going to stand there moping all day, or are you going to come in?" Jeffrey asked through the door's comm. The door opened a second later.

"Sweetie, we heard that you and Kaidan were on Earth during the attack. We were worried sick," Natalia exclaimed, flinging her arms around Shepard. She stiffened for a moment before hugging her back.

"We were told that Kaidan was hurt, and we went to visit him. What happened, commander?" Jeffrey asked. Shepard's hands clenched into fists as she pulled herself from the hug.

When she could speak, her voice was a lot stronger than she felt. "We had to go get some data on Mars to help with the war effort. There was a synthetic. I couldn't get around the shuttle fast enough and I...He's going to be fine," Shepard said.

"Veronica, dear, it wasn't your fault. You did everything you could to protect our boy, my baby. I can never thank you enough," Natalia encouraged, patting her shoulder firmly. Shepard looked into her eyes.

"I can't wait to have him on my team again. Also, is Josie okay? I heard from Kaidan that she's doing alright, but nothing really beyond that," Shepard asked.

"She's growing like a weed," Jeffrey sighed. "I get the feeling she takes after you."

"I resent that, but it's probably true if I'm being honest," she grumbled. "May I see her?"

"She should be in her room playing. She's in that first hallway, second door on the right. Go ahead, Veronica," Natalia answered.

Shepard nodded gratefully and jogged off towards Josephine's room. She just stood in the doorway for a moment, watching her daughter play pretend with her ballerina monster trucks. A girl after her own heart.

"Josie!" she said quietly. Josephine kept playing with the trucks. “Josephine?” She didn’t even flinch. “Josephine Alenko!” Nothing.

Shepard walked further into the room and gently touched Josie’s shoulder. She looked up.

“Mama!” She launched herself into Shepard’s arms. “I saw daddy earlier. Will he be okay?”

“Yes, baby. He’s gonna be okay,” Shepard sighed.

"Good. Can I go see him when he, when he wakes up?" Josie asked.

"Yes. I wanna see him too," she said. Josie reached up and pushed at the corner to Shepard's mouth to get her to smile. She laughed and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"Do you want to go out to eat, Josie?" Shepard suggested.

"Yes!"

There not a lot you can really talk about with a four year-old, but watching her daughter eat reminded Shepard of what she could hope for. When this was all over. And she could come home. Finally at rest with her husband and her child and her in-laws. Everything she ever wanted when she was a sixteen year old kid, suddenly and violently alone in the world. Her life could be her own. If only she could make it out alive.

~~~~~~~

Shepard and Josephine and Kaidan's parents waited outside the hospital room for Councillor Udina to finish speaking with him. Shepard would have to ask about that offer Udina referred to later. For now, she led Josie in by her tiny, pudgy hand and helped her up onto the bed next to Kaidan.

"I'm glad you're awake, daddy!" She snuggled into the crook of his arm as though she belonged there.

"Careful, Josie. Daddy's still getting better," Shepard warned gently.

"I'm fine, honey. Really," he muttered.

"I never thought I'd see you here again, Kaidan," Jeffrey sighed.

"Wait, what?" Shepard asked.

"You know, he was in the hospital when he was younger after he-oh...you don't know about that?" he explained.

"You weren't sickly when you were younger. Couldn't have gotten into BAat if you were. So it must have been after. Wait...you got beat up, didn't you," Shepard reasoned out.

"To be fair, he deserved it," Natalia laughed.

"Mom!" Kaidan protested.

"Worse: you were beat up by hanar drugdealers because you were being bull-headed," she continued.

"Oh my god. You are telling me about this later," Shepard promised.

Josie poked at Kaidan's nipple in curiosity. "What does it do?" she asked.

"Well...nothing for him," Shepard muttered.

"Mom, Dad, could you take Josie to the gift shop for a bit? I'd like to speak with the commander alone for a bit," Kaidan said.

"Come on, Josie! We're gonna get you something pretty," Natalia suggested, leading Josie out again. The child waved at Kaidan, and he mirrored her wide, sunny smile as he waved back at her.

"I missed her so much," Shepard whispered.

"I missed you too, Veronica." Shepard looked back to him with tears in her eyes. "V, are you okay?"

"Heh. I could ask you the same thing," she said. She brought her hands up to wipe her eyes. "I finally get you back, and you got hurt on my watch and-" Kaidan pulled her in by the wrist and kissed her. Her eyes closed and she tried to steady herself with one hand on the mattress so that she didn't put her full weight on him. When their lips parted, she stayed close, looking into his eyes.

"I've been wanting to do that since I saw you on Earth," he teased.

"I missed you too, Kaidan," Shepard answered. He kissed her cheek softly. She scooted onto the mattress beside him. He laid his arm around her shoulders as she shifted to get comfortable.

"Udina's offer was to make me a Spectre," Kaidan said.

"That's incredible. Are you going to take the offer?" Shepard asked.

"I'll have to think about it, but I think I'm going to. With everything that's going on, I need to help in any way I can," he replied.

"I mean, hey. We're the best humanity has to offer, and I think you're pretty damn special," she giggled.

"Well, aren't you sweet," Kaidan said. He turned to kiss Shepard's temple. She wasn't used to him being this affectionate.

"So, if you accept Udina's offer, do you think you'll be able to come back to the Normandy?" Shepard asked.

"No question. I don't care what other assignments I get. I'm staying with you," he promised.

"Kaidan, first and foremost, you're a soldier. If you get an assignment, I won't be mad if you take it," she protested.

"Here's the thing, V. I don't know if either of us are getting through this alive, and if you go down, I'm going down with you. Besides, we've been a team since the beginning. I've gotta be there to watch your six," Kaidan reasoned.

"Have I ever told you you're adorable when you get all passionate like that?"

"...No," he mumbled.

"Well you are. There, I said it," she teased.

"Getting soft, commander?"

"According to Anderson, yes. A little." Shepard poked at her stomach pudge a little. "Though I have, for the most part, returned to my former glory."

"Oh you were always glorious, Shepard," Kaidan muttered close to her ear. She jumped a little. He rubbed her arm to steady her again.

"Sorry. Reflexes are back."

"No harm, no foul, Veronica," he sighed.

"By the way, when can I expect you back on my team?" Shepard asked.

"Should be soon, although Dr. Michelle always has one test or another. I am literally strapped to this bed under these covers," Kaidan replied.

"Ooh, kinky," she muttered.

"Shepard, why."

"There's a war going on. Let me have my fun when I can," Shepard said.

"Fair enough. Speaking of, I'm sure you have far more important things you could be doing right now," he suggested.

"Yes, definitely."

She didn't budge. He looked at her questioningly.

"For me, simply enjoying your company is more important. Don't worry. I took care of my business with the Council et all before I got here," Shepard answered.

"You planning to break me out or something?" Kaidan asked.

"Who wants to find out?" She kissed him gently. Just enough for comfort.

"I wouldn't want to keep you too long, commander. There is a war going on after all," he joked.

"I'll go tell your parents that you're open for more visiting. If you are, that is," Shepard said. She stood up and stretched a little before leaning down to kiss Kaidan one more time before she went. "Soon, okay?"

"I could never stay apart from you for long, Shepard."

She headed out the door with a small smile.


	8. Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when you see your lover down the end of your scope? Break.

Shepard burst out of the elevator doors, ready to knock some heads at the earliest possible convenience. She was covered in the blood of Cerberus operatives, and for that she couldn't have been happier. Not with the end in sight and Udina's head in her scope. Then she saw Kaidan.

"Shepard! What are you doing?" he yelled. Shepard took a deep breath and slowly lowered her gun.

"Isn't it obvious? She's with Cerberus! Shoot her!"

"Kaidan, listen to me. Udina is working with Cerberus. The salarian councillor confirmed it," Shepard pleaded. She motioned for Garrus and Liara to lower their weapons. In slow-motion, they obeyed. She pressed play on her passive recording device, revealing the incriminating evidence.

Udina froze for one instant before scrambling for a pistol in his hip. Shepard took one shot past Kaidan with her pistol. Right in the forehead. Like a badass.

More deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Grip the railing of the docking station to ground herself. Time seemed to flow around her.

"Commander!" Garrus yelled in her ear. The sound of someone trying to break through the elevator door finally registered. Shepard wheeled around and drew her shotgun.

"Bailey?" she asked. Everything went fuzzy from then on. Conversation. Escorting the Council back to their chambers. She watched Kaidan go into a meeting with the Council, taking a seat on a nearby bench. A few months ago, she would've cracked a joke about them not believing in the Reapers. She felt nothing. Numb. She only saw Garrus taking a seat next to her in her peripheral vision.

"It's...harder to point a gun at someone you know. Isn't it, Shepard?" he began. She bumped his shoulder with a choked laugh.

"Guess you'd know something about that, Vakarian." Garrus paused at her words, not really knowing what to say. "I could have had to end him. Right there. And the worst part is he...he would have let me. There was just enough hesitation there that he would have let me shoot him. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"I don't think there's anything more you could say in this situation. Just be there for him as best you can, Veronica," he suggested. For once, she didn't mind him gently patting the top of her head.

Another deep breath. "God I need a nap. And a hot drink. Probably both," she grumbled. Shepard stretched her arms back.

"Anyone in particular you want to nap with? Eh, Shepard?" He elbowed her in the side jokingly. "Ehhh?" She laughed.

"Yeah, shut up. I need a hug from my husband, dammit," Shepard grumbled. She crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to seem menacing.

"I guess it's your chance to ask," Garrus said. She looked over in the direction of the Council stairs. "I'll head back to the ship, if you don't mind."

"Of course not. Rest well, Vakarian!" He dashed off just as Kaidan sat down next to her. He looked tired. There was a bit of grey interweaving with his black curls that she hadn't noticed before.

"Shepard, I-"

"I'm sorry. About everything," she cut him off.

"Veronica, you have nothing to apologize for," Kaidan assured her. "The comms were still down. Nothing but static on my end." He held her shoulders and looked into her eyes. He wiped a few stray strands out of her face.

"It's not every day you have to nearly injured your husband," Shepard whispered.

"But you didn't, Shepard. You knew what you could do. And you didn't. I trust you, V. Nothing can change that," he said.

"I'm so glad you weren't a little to the right. That window was pretty darn small. And I was at point-blank range...Sorry! Got a little morbid there," she muttered.

"Do you want me to take you back to the ship?" Kaidan asked.

"Does that mean you're coming with me?"

"I turned down Hackett's offer, so yes. Now do you need a nap or a Disney movie or a hot drink? All three? Something different?" he listed off. Kaidan carefully brought Shepard to her feet, wrapping an arm around her waist as they walked back to the Normandy.

"You've read my mind."


	9. LIfe and Death and Love and Birth and Peace and War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the planet Earth.

Kaidan felt Shepard half-leading, half-dragging him back to the evac shuttle. His left arm felt numb and fog floated into his head. He nearly tripped into Vega's arms.

"Here! Take him!" No. No no no no no. He couldn't just leave her to fight this alone. He could stand. He could still fight for her.

"Shepard!"

"You gotta get out of here." Shepard sounded like she always used to on missions. Hard shell, hard core. No room for give in a warzone.

"Yeah. That's not gonna happen," he yelled over the chaos. Kaidan pleaded with his eyes, anything to get her to understand why he needed to stay with her.

"Don't argue with me, Kaidan." A crack. Just like that day.

"I can't leave you again!" Shepard trudged up the walkway with a determination in her eyes that he'd never seen before. It wasn't the ice he'd seen since he met her. So long ago. It was fire, lightning. A storm within her and around her.

"No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always." She drew him in for one last kiss. There had never been any guarantees of coming out alive, but Kaidan knew this was her way of caring for Josie. By ensuring that he would be there.

"I love you too. Come back alive," he whispered. She flinched at the sound of a lazer firing, glancing over her shoulder. Shielding him for a moment. She pulled away and ran back down to the battlefield.

"Go!" Shepard ordered. She sprinted in the direction of the Reaper beam. Kaidan watched her for as long as he could. When the shuttle doors closed, he hobbled to the vid screens, watching her go.

He kept muttering encouragements meant for her. Ones that she'd hear if she made it back. When she made it back. A weapon swept over her. He nearly broke. But he saw her. Still crawling, still fighting, still clinging to life.

Then she disappeared.

~~~~~~~

Kaidan had been searching through the rubble of London for days. Hoping for a body at least. Some piece of her armor. Maybe her dog tags. He swore if her dog tags made it through this and not her, he was going to take them as his own good luck charm.

He heard a sharp intake of breath. Familiar. Beautiful. Whites of eyes and glorious brown. "Shepard?" He was praying to gods he didn't even believe in that she was okay.

"Kaidan." It was a low wheeze. Weak and dry. He pulled her from the debris as best he could, pushing away anything keeping her trapped. Her skin was cracking, not just with dryness but with newly reemerged scars. Ones he hadn't seen in years.

"I've got you. It worked. You made it," he whimpered, carrying her back to the camp.

The team saw him coming over the horizon and cheered. Liara was in tears. Dr. Chakwas muscled her way through to get to the commander. A few doctors and nurses made their way behind her.

"Bring her in here, Major," she ordered. Kaidan remembered that crease in her brow from after Eden Prime. So long ago. He gently set Shepard down on the hospital cot, getting out of the way.

He couldn't remember those next few hours, waiting for Shepard to stabilize enough for travel to Huerta Memorial. He couldn't remember any of the flight there. He spent the entire time pacing. Nobody stopped him until he started pacing outside Shepard's surgery room. He didn't see Liara until he nearly barreled over her.

"Oh! Sorry. I, uh...I didn't see you there," he muttered. She handed him a bottle of water. Kaidan finally realized how thirsty he was.

"Shepard did the same for you. After Mars," she said. Her voice seemed hollow. Kaidan couldn't help but a laugh a little. He leaned against the wall.

"I figured as much," he answered.

"She will be fine, Kaidan. The best thing you can do for now is take care of other business. The war is over, after all," Liara suggested.

"Where do you think you'll go?" Kaidan asked.

"With Shepard's leave, I'll probably find a new hideout for my headquarters. If not a new planet, I'll be something of a nomad. Moving from place to place. I'll still be in touch, but the best thing I can do is continue my work," she said.

"Shepard's not going to retire. It doesn't matter how badly she's hurt. She'll get back up. And I'm going to be right there with her."

"From what I've heard, a few others will be staying. James. Garrus. Tali's going to Rannoch. EDI is obviously staying, as will Specialist Traynor and much of the crew," Liara briefed.

"I heard from Samara on the way here. She's glad Shepard's okay," he said.

"The justicar, right? I heard from Jack, Jacob, and Miranda. They're all doing alright," she added.

"Wrex and Grunt are both alive and on Tuchanka. No word from Zaeed or Kasumi, though I guess that's to be expected given their professions," Kaidan replied.

"I think that I heard from Kasumi through one of my private chanels. It's  
in code, so I haven't deciphered it yet. However, it's under the name "Alison Gunn." I'd say it's a safe bet that it's her," she joked.

Kaidan laughed, choking on the water he'd been gulping down. "Kasumi did always have a flair for the dramatic. Liara, thank you for cheering me up."

"I can't have one of my best friends moping around, can I?" Liara would have gone on, but Doctor Michelle came out of the room. She spooked a little at the sight of the two of them just outside, but calmed quickly.

"She's going to be okay, but she won't wake up until tomorrow. You two should get some rest," she suggested.

"How much were you able to fix?" Kaidan asked.

"It will take about a month of rehab. She was in much better condition than I was anticipating. There were a few lesions on her internal organs and a few broken bones, but those are easily fixed. It will take a while to get used to the healing material on those breakages. The cosmetic healing will take a little while, but the intravenous fluids should help with the cracking," she reported.

"Thank you, doctor. If you ever need anything, let us know," Liara said.

"It is a little funny. Shepard always says that," Michelle sighed. "I suppose she has rubbed off on you."

"Only her kindness, ma'am. Have a good...night," Kaidan answered. He had to glance out the window to see what time it was. Michelle nodded and head towards the personnel break room. He looked into the room. Some nurses were taking Shepard to a recovery room. Liara pulled him along by his arm.

"Oh no you don't! You are not staying here until she wakes up. You need to eat," she grumbled.

"Alright! Alright. I'm coming. Did that sushi place ever get reconstructed?" he asked.

"Yes, but it was destroyed...again. During the final assault. I can take you for some slightly less expensive sushi if you wouldn't mind," Liara suggested. Kaidan's stomach gurgled in response.

"I have no room to be picky. Besides: unless it's made in a fuel station, any sushi is good sushi," he teased.

"Good. James and Garrus are already waiting for us. Drinks are on them," she said.

"My favorite kind of drinks, if I'm honest."

Liara led him along to a somewhat dingey, hole-in-the-wall establishment in the wards. "I promise that it's usually nicer than this," Liara sighed.

"I wouldn't judge you if it wasn't," Kaidan laughed.

"He lives!" Garrus yelled as he waved the pair over to their table.

"He's dehydrated and hungry, but he'll be alright. Shepard wakes up tomorrow morning, by the way," Liara said.

"Lola feeling lazy already? I'm impressed," James muttered through a bite of sushi.

"Sorry that we already ordered, but the two of you were taking so long. You know how Vega gets when he's peckish," Garrus replied.

"Don't act like you weren't excited for that dextro food, Scars!"

"Huh. Dextro sushi?" Liara asked.

"As close as I'm getting, anyway. A bit difficult to come by, but these people are resourceful," Garrus said.

"By the way, I heard that drinks are on you guys?" Kaidan suggested.

"Is that what you told him, Liara? Very convincing, this one," Garrus laughed.

"Is that a no?" he asked.

"Yes. They're actually on me," Tali interjected.

She was dressed a bit fancier than usual. Shinier gold accents, deeper purples. Garrus stopped and stared for a moment. He coughed a little before he spoke. "Ahem. Glad you could make it." He patted the seat beside him. She giggled at the small show of affection.

"I may not be here to see Shepard in the morning, but I want to be here for my crew. One last time. I do have a planet to establish after all," Tali sighed.

"We'll miss you, Sparks," James said.

"I...I could come with you," Garrus suggested.

"No. You have to be there for Shepard. Keep her safe. She nearly always takes you with her on the dangerous missions, and I don't think she'll stop pushing until the entire galaxy is safe," Tali ordered.

"I take it you two have had this discussion before," Kaidan interrupted. Tali jumped in her seat a little. She forgot everyone else for a moment.

"Well, no...yes...kind of?" she rambled. Garrus leaned over to her.

"Should I tell them?"

"It's rather obvious that you're dating," Liara sighed. "I mean...Shepard told me she caught you, but you're still painfully obvious. Fleet and Flotilla levels of obvious."

"We are not that bad," Tali protested.

"Hey! Sparks and Scars. It works," James interjected. Garrus laughed and shoved him over a little.

"You guys are pretty conspicuous," Kaidan admitted.

"You say that as though Shepard doesn't, how do humans say it? "Jump your bones" in the elevator after every mission. Just saying," Garrus countered.

"That's on her, Garrus. Besides, that's the only affection I get usually. Zero or a hundred because she's nearly always in mission mode," Kaidan said.

"You're good for her, though. She's gotten better because of you and Josephine," Liara replied.

"Are you two always this sentimental when you drink?" James asked.

"Only with our team, Vega. Only with our team," Kaidan teased.

"I can't wait to see where Shepard wants to go from here," James said.

"Most likely, she'll be tied down by ceremonies and parties for a while, though I can't imagine you'll mind, Kaidan. Something about a nice outfit?" Liara joked.

"What can I say? She looks good in black."

"All she wears is black, Kaidan," Tali corrected.

"I know what I said." He took a long sip of his drink.

Liara smiled at him. "Well aren't you romantic, I'll have to tell her you said that when she wakes up."

"She probably already knows. Kaidan is nowhere near shy about his compliments," Tali said.

"Unlike someone I know," Garrus muttered.

"Would you rather I try to be romantic in public? I'm not so sure our friends would appreciate that given what I say when we-"

"Okay! I think that's enough alcohol for you," he interupted.

"Woah, Sparks. I've never seen Garrus embarassed like that. A woman after my own heart, you are," James complimented.

"I try," Tali giggled.

"I should probably get you to your pickup ship," Garrus suggested, helping her up. She nearly fell over almost immediately.

"Pickup doesn't come until tomorrow, sweetie. I guess I'm staying on the Normandy for tonight." Tali quickly paid the check before they stumbled towards the door, heavily leaning on each other.

"Have fun, you two!" Liara yelled after them.

"Do you two wanna head back soon?" James asked.

"I thought I'd go wait for Shepard to wake up," Kaidan said.

"That won't be for another few hours, Kaidan. You need to sleep. It seems like I'm supposed to remind you of your body's basic needs, and I'm getting a little tired of it," Liara grumbled.

"Okay. First thing in the morning, we're going to check on Shepard," he conceded.

"I'll get these to-go. You two go on ahead," Liara said. Kaidan and James nodded in unison and headed out in the same direction as Garrus and Tali. The cooler air outside the sushi bar felt refreshing on their skin.

"Kaidan...what if Shepard can't fight anymore? What happens to the rest of us?" James asked.

"We find a way to make it work, together. Frankly, she's going to find a way without any of us being there because that's what she does. She doesn't stop to think things through and puzzle out the best option. She takes an idea and runs and she doesn't stop running until she's exhausted it. That's her way," Kaidan described.

"Yeah...god she's great," he sighed.

"Don't I know it, Vega."

"I had a tiny crush on her at one point, but I knew you two were already together, and with a kid. Like damn you moved fast," James teased. Kaidan shoved at James's shoulder with a dorky laugh. They were nearly back to the Normandy. Still as beautiful as the day Kaidan first saw her again.

"She's the best," he muttered.


	10. War's over, kiddies!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wakes up early for once.

Shepard woke up screaming. She remembered all the times she'd woken up before, but this time was different. This time there was an aching she couldn't describe, much less put a name to. She looked around. It certainly didn't appear as though everything had been destroyed in a blaze of fire. Maybe this was paradise. If someone could direct her to the bar, that would be great.

No. This wasn't paradise. Paradise didn't hurt. Well, maybe she was in hell. No. She'd be hurting much worse. That meant she was alive. Which begged the question: how the hell was she still alive?

"Only one way to find out," she muttered to herself.

Shepard grabbed the edge of her bed and forced herself to her feet. Pins and needles. "OH fuck. Oh fuck that smarts. Holy shit."

After she got some feeling back in her legs, she did a bit of stretching and flexing. It was then that she noticed the IV in her arm. Shepard decided to take the entire rig with her, if only for the sake of those fluids being put in her veins. Best not tug that out.

She began a slow procession down the hall of the hospital. It must have been two or three in the morning. The main lights were still out, but the emergency lights guided her feet well enough. Shepard made her way to a reception area, where she found precisely one night guard.

"Excuse me. This is Huerta Memorial, right?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, Commander-...huh. The anesthetic wasn't supposed to wear off until seven," the turian muttered.

"Can you tell me what's happened over the past several days? I have no idea how I got here."

"I haven't heard much. I'm just the night guard. But your squad brought you in a couple days ago. And whatever you did, Commander, a lot of the mass relays and comm buoys were destroyed," she sighed.

"Are the Reapers gone? Did they fly away?" Shepard asked.

"Yes....it was so strange. Did you do that?"

"I can't believe that actually worked. I think I bested the devil a few nights ago," she laughed to herself.

"Whatever you did up there, thank you, Commander Shepard. I finally heard from my family on Palaven again."

"I'm glad to hear it. You know, if I'm awake before I'm supposed to be, shouldn't we call a doctor or a nurse or something?" Shepard suggested.

"Oh! Yeah...sorry. A little bit of hero worship going on here. I'm Helena, by the way," she said before dialing Dr. Michelle. "Yes, hello, Dr. Michelle. ...Yes, I realize what time it is, ma'am, but-...Shepard woke up, ma'am." A sharp "what!" came from the other end of the phone before Dr. Michelle ended the call. "She's on her way."

"I gathered that. I'll head back to my room for now," Shepard answered and turned on her heel. A few minutes later, Dr. Michelle bolstered her way in.

"The guard told me that you've already been up and walking. I need to see it for myself, so if you would..." she gestured for Shepard to stand up. She pushed herself to her feet and walked a few paces normally. "This treatment worked far better than I had expected. Of course, biotic nerve therapy is a bit...experimental, but it has been shown to respond better to those predisposed to biotics."

"Give it to me straight, doc. How am I alive right now?"

"Your team found you by following your weak signal. Dr. Chakwas stabilized your condition before your ship brought you to Huerta Memorial. It took a day of surgery and different therapies, but here you are. You have a lot of new scars, but most of them have been healed as much as we could manage," Dr. Michelle replied.

"Thank you so much for this. Do you know where my team is? Kaidan Alenko in particular," she said.

"They should be coming to visit you in the morning, Commander. You should know that Kaidan paced outside the surgery room for nearly the entire operation," the doctor giggled. Shepard grinned.

"Well, that's sweet. By the way, will I be staying here much longer?" she asked.

"You should be released tomorrow night with your rate of recovery. We'll keep you long enough to confirm that your shape is optimal, but you will be free to go afterwards. I can hardly believe that you've recovered this quickly," Dr. Michelle answered.

"Thank you. I'll try to get some sleep for now, if you don't mind."

"Not a bit. Sleep well, Shepard," she ordered.

~~~~~~~

Shepard grumbled and rolled over at the sound of someone knocking at her door. The knocking became a bit more insistent.

"Let me sleep. I saved the goddamn galaxy so let me sleep," she whined.

"It's her," Kaidan sighed to himself as he opened the door.

"Huh. Is it that late in the morning already?" Shepard muttered. She sat up and blew some hair out of her face.

Kaidan hugged her until she felt like he was trying to squeeze her back together again. Shepard hugged back, burying her eyes in his shoulder.

"I'm so glad you're okay," he whispered. He smoothed her hair down a little.

Shepard couldn't speak for a few moments. They were truly going to be okay. It didn't matter what else happened. They were going to be a family. The three of them. Like she had when she was young. Shepard cried from happiness because she had everything she'd ever wanted.

"Go MIA for a few days and everyone gets all sappy," she sobbed. Kaidan laughed, but it was a painful, choked laugh. Shepard pulled back from the tight embrace. He cupped her cheek in his hand. Still healing. Tears tracing the paths of the deep scars in her skin. Kaidan wiped one away with his thumb. Shepard reached to hold his other hand. "Though, I guess I don't mind you."

Kaidan leaned forwards and kissed her, desperate and breathless and clinging to each other for dear life. She tugged at his hair as he pressed her back onto the bed. Shepard enjoyed this for a few moments before pushing at his shoulders. He gave her a questioning look. She was a sucker for those eyes.

"Work first, babe," she sighed, patting his cheek. He coughed for a moment and sat up on the edge of the hospital bed.

"Yes. Right, Commander," he muttered. "Though, I may have to start calling you admiral in a few weeks."

"Clarify, Major," Shepard ordered.

"According to Hackett, you're up for a major promotiom, Shepard. I know it isn't common to skip that many ranks, but technically, you should have been promoted after the attack on the Collector Base, and the attack on the Citadel. So your promotion is far overdue...Ma'am," he explained. "My money's on rear admiral. At least."

Shepard smiled. "That would take me out of a primary combat role, wouldn't it?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny that, ma'am," he muttered.

"Drop the pretense, Kaidan. Do you want to retire and grow old together?"

Kaidan blinked for a few seconds. "I'll follow you anywhere, V."

"Bullshit. I'm not asking if you'll follow me. I'm asking what you want to do. You factor into my decisions because you matter to me," she growled.

"I want to be there to take care of Josephine. Neither of us had parents around when we were younger, Veronica. I don't want to abandon her to live with my parents. So, yes. I want to retire at least until she goes to college or wherever she wants to go," Kaidan answered. Shepard smiled.

"I'll be, what, forty-six. So that makes you forty-nine. Still plenty of time to raise some more hell as an admiral. If the Alliance will accept a fourteen year leave of absence, that is," she reasoned.

"You're probably entitled to that. What would we do in the mean time?" Kaidan asked.

"Well, I've always wanted to be an exotic dancer," Shepard joked. He went a little pink on the tips of his ears.

"A noble profession, V. Though you may have to wear that outfit at home sometimes. Just for me," he suggested, leaning in closer to her ear.

"How are you so much better than me at that?" she sighed, the hairs on her arms bristling with static. "In all seriousness, we could open up a gun shop or something. Maybe a self-defense studio for kids on the Citadel. Oh! We could play biotiball professionally. Wait, that would mean tours with a team. Well, maybe recreationally? I seriously want to dance for money if I can."

"I don't see why we couldn't do all of that," Kaidan said.

"Sounds perfect, doesn't it?" Shepard looked far off into the distance. As though transfixed. A small voice.

"Shepard?"

Shepard flinched back into herself. "I need to tell you something. About what I did to end the war."

"Whatever you need to say, Veronica," he said. Kaidan patted her hands and smiled at her.

"I used my biotics to reprogram a system to control the Reapers. The catalyst told, yes told, me that if I controlled the Reapers, I would have to give up my physical form. Obviously, that's a bad thing. But I got to looking at this gripping handle devices, and they were lit from within by a bright, blue light. So I thought to myself that maybe I could activate it with my biotics. And crazily enough, it worked. The explosion sent me falling back down to London through that beam. Still burned me up a bit with the explosion and everything, but I made it," Shepard explained.

"That's amazing. So what's the problem?"

"I can hear the Reaper collective speaking to me. It doesn't feel like indoctrination, and my appearance is still normal. So I can hope for the best with this, but I think that my consciousness is somehow linked to the Reapers. Uncomfortable, to say the least, but they aren't influencing me towards any action," she answered.

"Oh....what are they saying?" He seemed to be thinking hard while he listened to her. Something in the crease of his brow made him look older.

"A few of them are wondering if we're gonna make out. A few of them want to meet Josephine. A lot of them are wondering what it's like to feel sensation. A few of them can feel some of my senses in their own way. One of them is asking what an orgasm feels like. So...yeah. Weird species," Shepard replied.

"Wow. They sound like deadly, deadly teenagers," Kaidan muttered.

"But I'm controlling them and haven't given them any other input other than to fly back to dark space. I imagine if I tell them to deactivate, they would reawaken in the next cycle. Of course, that's assuming I don't continue controlling them in the afterlife. Or...I just came up with a brilliant plan," Shepard cut herself off.

"What are you thinking, V?"

"If I show them what it's like to be human, to be organic. Maybe I can show them that we deserve to live. That organics deserve to live. Am I crazy?" Shepard turned to him.

"I don't know, Veronica. You're subverting their free will right now. What they experience may not carry over. And...if they somehow gain control of you..." Kaidan looked down at their hands.

"I think I can do it, K," she encouraged.

"Well, if anyone can teach a machine how to feel, it's probably you," he teased. Kaidan looked up at her again, seeing that familiar fire. Except there wasn't an enemy to fight or a contract to negotiate. It was just them. Together. She reached up to cup his cheek.

"Oh look, we match," Shepard said with a small, sweet smile. They embraced each other, resumed exactly where they'd left off. He reclaimed her mouth, exploring every corner of it again. The familiarity felt like a warm blanket on a Sunday afternoon.

She had to shove him off a little more forefully this time when she noticed Doctor Chakwas standing at the door.

"Oh don't stop on my account," she giggled.

Shepard awkwardly readjusted her hospital gown so that everything was covered again. She grinned sheepishly, then stopped when her stitches began to stretch uncomfortably.

"Sorry about that," Shepard muttered. She smoothed down her hair and reached over to do the same for Kaidan. He rolled his eyes at her and took one hand in his to smooch along her knuckles.

"Don't worry, Commander. It's nothing I haven't seen before. Besides, I'm happy for the two of you. I'm so sad that I missed the wedding," Dr. Chakwas sighed.

"I'm starting to think we should throw a reception for all the people who couldn't make it, doc. We were discrete as hell," Shepard joked. "Anyways, who all's still here? I imagine a lot of my crew wanted to head back to their own planets to help rebuild."

"Garrus, James, Samantha, and much of the ship crew are still here. Liara needs to talk to you about her plans for her job. Everyone else has dispersed," Dr. Chakwas reported.

"Well, I'm not released until this afternoon," Shepard said.

"You're being released that soon?" Kaidan asked.

"I heal and keep going, Kaidan. We still have a lot of work to do. Tie up loose ends," she replied.

"I'll send Liara in, dear," he said. Kaidan leaned down again to kiss her cheek. She reached for his hand, but stopped herself.

A few minutes later, Liara arrived and took a seat beside the hospital bed.

"We really should stop meeting with you in some state of pain, Shepard. People may start heralding me as the vanguard of your destruction," Liara joked. Shepard tried to keep a straight face, but eventually her serious expression split into a laugh like sunshine and gold.

"Dr. Chakwas said you needed to talk to me about something?" Shepard suggested. Straight to business, but for once, there was a ghost of a smile on her face.

"I'd like to have your leave to set up headquarters somewhere else," Liara said.

"You don't need my permission, Liara. I don't own you," she replied.

"I know, but you are my friend, Shepard. I believe I owe you this much. At least a goodbye before I head out."

"Have you found a place?" Shepard asked.

"I've found my own ship, which can take me to any place I wish. I don't know where I'm going yet, but you'll be the first to know if and when I find a base upon which to settle," Liara answered.

"Couldn't you use your predecessor's headquarters? It's well fortified."

"I've considered that, and I may decide on going there eventually, but I want to establish my own base. Somewhere similar, but I'd like to avoid that place if at all possible," she explained.

"I'll miss you, Liara, but keep doing your good work. I have faith in you," Shepard said.

"I'll keep in touch this time, Veronica. See you around," Liara sighed. She stood up and began walking towards the door. "Oh, and Shepard. Remind Kaidan to take care of himself since I won't be around to do it."

"He worried himself sick waiting for me to wake up, didn't he," she grumbled.

"I don't think he slept last night," Liara speculated.

"I need to get out of here and take him home so he can rest," Shepard determined. Dr. Michelle entered as her sentence finished.

"I just need to do one quick test of your biotics before you go. You're going to need that fine control back," she promised. Veronica gently flared her biotics, the energy causing the cotton gown to cling to her. "You are good to go, Commander. Let me get that I.V. out of your arm."

Shepard clenched her other fist and turned her head to the side. Her eyes scrunched shut as she felt the needle leave her arm.

"Here, Shepard. Some casual clothes you can wear until you get back to your appartment," Liara said, handing her a bag full of the necessities. It wasn't exactly perfect, as Liara had negelected to bring socks, but otherwise, the civvies were good.

"Where did you find out my sizes?" Shepard asked.

"I am a very good information broker," Liara whispered enigmatically. Shepard rolled her eyes and headed out to meet Kaidan in the waiting room.

"Change of plans. I'm free to go. We're going home, and you're going to sleep, Major Alenko. That's an order," she seethed. Kaidan hopped to his feet and sharply saluted. They held the joke for a moment before laughing at each other.

"God I missed you," he sighed, resting an arm around her waist.

"I was serious, though. You look more tired than usual, honey. We're both going to bed when we get back to the appartment," Shepard explained. She reached up onto her toes and kissed him quickly. Shepard took his hand and led him towards the rapid transit to their block. "I missed you too."

They walked a few paces. "Also I love you," Shepard added.

"I mean, I assumed so when you asked to marry me, and we actually went through the ceremony and everything," Kaidan teased. Shepard bumped her hip against his, still smiling. He'd never seen her this happy. Ever. She always kept everything in. Even when they'd just been alone, the most she ever looked was tired. In this moment, she was free.


End file.
